This is not a jaw-dropping revelation (hopefully), but I believe it is important to gather thoughtful—and thorough—feedback before making any significant decisions in my life. However, looking back over the past twenty years has resulted in mixed reviews for my advisers. Maybe you have experienced similar results? So, what’s the problem?
What I have learned over those years is that I should have put in more effort to identify and recruit my advisers. Yes, recruit, as in “to secure the services of someone” (while offering no pay, I would cheaply add). Generally, here is our job post, looking for an adviser we rely on to help us lead our lives:
“I am an undecided young professional looking for a well-meaning individual who has achieved some semblance of success and is willing to spare a few minutes of their day. No trust or prior relationship required. Agreeable, or nonchalant, personality preferred. Not looking to be challenged.”
Although you may not be intentionally looking for this individual (and have not explicitly submitted a job posting), this describes generally who we find. Rather than grabbing the first person with a few available minutes, perhaps we should spend a little more time vetting the advice?
Here are some questions to consider when identifying a board member: do they care about your development? Are they willing to invest the time in you? What have they achieved in their life? Are you comfortable covering all of the important aspects of life with this board: career, relationship, spiritual, health and finance? Are they currently doing something that inspires you to grow?
Once you have narrowed down your list (I recommend 3-4 advisors on your board), it is time to make a connection with your potential board members.
by Adam
Maybe I’m projecting my own weaknesses, but I think this topic can be much more challenging than it first appears. Think about the stakes! Sure, we’ve laid out several important steps along the mentorship path for you. But, in my view, this is where the rubber meets the road!
What do I mean?
Well, inherent in what we’ve been revealing is that we--both Kevin and I-- think you (and ourselves) are never going to be perfect at:
Making decisions
Evaluating yourself
Articulating your goals and values
Predicting the future
...and the list goes on… and on… and on…
Because of that, your “board of advisors” is the only real feedback mechanism you have. They are the guardrails on your journey. The trusted advisors that can (hopefully) help you prevent the worst decisions you may be prone to make on your own, or identify the most egregious oversights you make in your self-evaluations.
So, think hard about these people! They need to be the kind of people that know you well. That are willing and able to give you honest feedback. That have a genuine interest in your well being, and your achievement of your own version of success. And, ideally, they would each have a somewhat (or very) different perspective and set of life experiences to bring to bear.
So, what are you waiting for? Go build your board! Install the guardrails!
This series of blog posts titled “Mentoring with Glenn” is a documentation of Kevin’s mentoring sessions with a young professional named Glenn Elmore. These mentoring meetings will utilize the topics that we are discussing in our ongoing blog: “Mentoring your Mission”.
by Kevin
Mentoring tips found within this post:
Help mentee understand awareness by discuss key areas
Ask mentee to utilized a trusted third party to assist with assessment
Always challenge initial response to “dig deeper”
Ask “Why” to find deeper meaning and understanding
Thankfully, Glenn returned for our next topic--always a good sign! After ordering our usual cups of coffee, Glenn and I continued the conversation with a new goal: assessing his self awareness within eight key areas. I explained that if he rates highly in each of these areas it will undoubtedly elevate his potential and improve his relationships with others, which is critical to his success and reaching his potential.
I asked Glenn to rate himself in each of these areas based on a 1-10 scale. A perfect 10 would represent that he is constantly assessing this area, continually challenging the results, always open to feedback (without becoming defensive), and regularly making the appropriate adjustments.
Emotional awareness (How he would respond or react emotionally to situations out of his control. For example, an unforseen traffic jam). Glenn said he would assess himself fairly high, perhaps a 7. At times, he does struggle in this area, especially in stressful situations. Very recently, as he was studying for an exam, he was feeling very stressed and conceded he was reacting negatively. Glenn asked his wife: had she ever seen him stressed out like this before? She responded “yes, every couple of weeks”. This was certainly news to Glenn and made him realize that perhaps he has lacked some awareness in this area historically and it would be a good idea if he became more aware of his emotions. I think Patricia is doing her part to raise his awareness in this area!
Historical awareness. (Is he aware of how the past, such as childhood experiences, impact current decision making. A good example is how parents thought of money and how that impacts his current feelings about money.) Glenn said his self-awareness in this area has really improved as he transitioned into college and marriage, which has forced him to challenge his beliefs that were instilled in him during childhood. Therefore, he would say this is also a 7, but was lower prior to his current circumstance. Prior to college/marriage he did not have many close influencers, such as a mentor, away from his parents who could challenge his worldviews. However, the more he reads and converses with people (who are not his parents) it allows him to become more aware of his preconceived notions. Glenn admitted that challenging his beliefs can feel a little like a betrayal to his past. Yet, this does not necessarily mean he disagrees with anything his parents told him to believe, but it allows him to develop his own beliefs. This sounds like progress to me.
Relational awareness. (Ability and understanding of connection with others. Ability to make friends and deeper relationships.) Glenn feels that this is one of his core strengths, so he would give himself an 8 in this area. He has always been relational and struggles with holding other people to his same relational standard. His default position is to always take responsibility and accept blame. Glenn tends to look at situations in terms of how to fix and not blame. He is a people pleaser by nature, which has its positives and negatives. He feels strongly that he can understand when a connection is made. He is continually searching for an area/topic to connect with others. He admits that conflict is an area of struggle, which led us to the next area of awareness.
Conflict style awareness. (How does he deal with conflict: either engage or lean out). This is an area that Glenn struggles with so he would give himself a lower rating, probably a 5. He typically avoids confrontation but he is becoming more self-aware about his tendency to avoid it. He gravitates toward a passive-aggressive response to conflict. Glenn knows that he will need to become more aware of his conflict avoidance especially as he transitions into marriage. He admitted he has a fear that conflict will tear down a relationship, but understands there are times when it would actually build it up. I had to tell Glenn that this is certainly an area of needed growth for him--hopefully that wasn’t more conflict than he could handle. He seemed to take it okay.
Posture awareness. (Awareness of body language such as eye contact, slouching that reveals a lack of interest or annoyance). Glenn said he is an 8, which suggests very high awareness. Historically, this has not been an issue for Glenn. As the person sitting across from him for a meeting and a half, I could not disagree. He has been very attentive!
Tone awareness. (Are you loud, quiet, sarcastic, dismissive, uninterested without knowing it?). As a typical people pleaser he is constantly aware of his tone since he is concerned about other people’s feelings in response to his communication. Glenn rated himself as an 8 in tone awareness.
Motivation. (Do you know what drives you? Motivators can be items such as people pleasing, encouragement, pride, money, power, recognition? What reward is most attractive?) Glenn says his awareness is a 7 in this area as he knows what currently motivates him. He is also constantly assessing what should motivate him. Currently, making people happy and being likeable serve as primary motivators to Glenn. Encouragement and affirmation, feedback (both positive and negative) is also very highly motivating to him. More recently, security has been a motivator, primarily financial (which then becomes a motivator). Moving forward, he believes his motivation should transition into more spiritual security as a motivator versus financial. Glenn also wants to transition his motivation into what he can do for others, not what he can get from others.
Pride awareness. (Is he aware of his ego?) Glenn responded that pride has always been a concern to him. He constantly tries to find a balance between humility and confidence as he discussed in our prior conversation. Pride has historically concerned him as he feels it separates him from God. He rated himself as a 7.
Overall, I feel that Glenn did an excellent job of assessing his awareness. I also gave him high marks by having discussions with his spouse: Patricia.
If you are like me, you are curious what other people are saying about you when you are not in the room. I know, I know, my healthy self confidence tells me that perhaps it shouldn’t matter what they are saying about me, but still, i’m remain a bit...curious.
I actually think this curiosity is okay, because the conversation that is happening without you in the vicinity can be quite revealing. What’s that phrase...perception becomes reality? So, if there is going to be a conversation, and whatever is said becomes reality, why not take some initiative and influence that conversation to be a little more...favorable...to you? Yes, this is possible, so let me explain.
Warren Buffett once said that it takes 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it. Not that you need a dimwit like me to support an opinion from the great Mr. Buffett, but he is so right...once again! So if you want the version of yourself twenty years from now to have a favorable reputation, why not start working on it today? It takes consistent action over a long period of time.
My background is business (accountant/CFO), so I really enjoy reading books about finance. One of my favorite authors is Harvard professor Michael Porter. Michael Porter has added many valuable insights into the business world, but one of these insights can be adopted for an individual--not just a corporation. It comes from his book on competition, which emphasizes the need to be unique. Michael Porter says that a good strategy is not to be the best, but rather to be unique and make a profit. What does this have to do with your reputation? You don’t need to make it your goal to be the best, you need to make your goal to be unlike anyone else in a particular area.
Let me give you an example of this. When I was beginning my career in public accounting, I wanted to find a path to launch my career. I could quickly see that just trying to be the best auditor was not going to be my best strategy to be unique--or stand out. There were too many people that were more technical, willing to work more hours, and didn’t mind traveling. However, I took some time to focus on my own strengths at that time. Based on this assessment, I realized that a couple of my key strengths were building new relationships and curiosity. Based on these combined strengths, I felt that I could build a network of prospects, primarily in banking, but also within other industries. This was a natural use of my strengths and created a reputation of a business developer. Over a few years, I developed a strong network and list of prospective clients for my firm--and a favorable reputation to boot!
Currently, I am building a reputation as a CFO mentor, in addition to other characteristics that I am consistently living, such as encourager, faithful, teacher, positive attitude and humor. By continually focusing on these traits and roles, I am continuing to build my reputation in my community.
So, the question for you is: what do you want to be known for? How can you be distinguished or unique? What roles do you want? What are they really saying about you in the next room...
by Adam
Alright--I’m game! I’ll take a shot at answering most of those questions you ended with, Kevin.
What do you want to be known for?
I’d like to be known as someone who is hard working, considerate of others, and consistent on both of those fronts. As Kevin mentioned above: “it takes 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it.” So, I don’t aspire to be the person that can work hard sometimes. I don’t want to be the person that--on occasion, when convenient--takes other people and their feelings into account. For me, it’s about quality control in these two areas.
I’d imagine people in “the other room” (which I’ll get to in a minute) may say a lot of things about me:
“Adam is pretty stubborn sometimes.”
“At first the lame jokes were kind of funny, but jeeze… I mean… cool it, buddy”
Or even… “I told him a story about my kid, and he told me a story about...his dog? Does he know that dogs are not people people? What’s with this guy?”
However, I really hope they don’t say:
“That guy is only out for himself.”
“Where is the effort? Adam is one of the laziest people I know”
If I can avoid fair condemnation in those two areas, I’ll feel that I am appropriately defending the reputation that I’ve worked hard to build.
What roles do you want?
There are two generic roles that I feel that I thrive in, and are in alignment with my values.
First, I like solving problems. I like to be the person that someone comes to with difficult, intractable issues. Then, as if by magic (or more accurately, know-how and hard work), I make that problem disappear. For me, there’s not much more satisfying than seeing the gratitude of someone who thought they had a real humdinger on their hands, only to find out I could help them get to where they needed to be.
Like I said… there’s not much more satisfying than problem solving. But, for me, there is one thing that’s definitely more satisfying: teaching.
Shameless admission: I love learning. I’m the guy that really liked school, that would have stayed in college forever if you let me. There’s nothing more exciting than having the light bulb go off in your head, when you truly understand something that you hadn't before. Facilitating that for someone else, through teaching, is incredibly satisfying.
So, while I feel confident I can step up to the plate and do a wide range of things, teaching and problem solving are the things I want to do best. In my current professional role, I get to do both.
What are they really saying about you in the next room?
Now this… I just can’t answer. In a very literal sense, that’s because the “they” in the other room (as I write this) could only refer to my wife and dog. They’re watching TV. Or, more accurately, my wife is watching TV, and my dog is...busy thinking about whatever it is that dogs think about, I guess! And, importantly, I’m pretty sure they aren’t talking about me. Now, that’s not because my wife is above talking to our dog. Trust me: she does so on a daily basis. The hurdle there is...the dog doesn’t really talk back. Sure, you might get a puzzled look, a tilting of the head, or a commiseratory bark. But, cute at she is, that dog is a terrible conversationalist. So it would be difficult to imagine a situation where the two of them are having any sort of meaningful dialogue about me, positive or negative. Which, in some ways, is a relief!
But, not so fast… I know what Kevin is really saying here. It’s a metaphor! And, to be frank, I have no idea what the metaphorical “they” in the metaphorical “other room” are saying about me right now. Sure, I am also curious. But, when it gets right down to it...I don’t think I really care!
Now, that’s not because I don’t care about my reputation. I do! A lot! And, I do believe that, generally, the reputation I establish will drive a substantial amount of what gets said about me. But, not everything. And, not with everyone. Certainly, not all the time.
So, to try to tie all of those thoughts into a finale: it is paramount to me that I live a life consistent with the reputation I intend to establish and protect. And, I have confidence that if I do so, that will translate into positive (by my definition) perceptions of me by others. Like Kevin, I’m also curious about what others think about me. But, I’m not too invested in what’s being said, right now, this very instant, in the other room.
Why? Because, part of this mentoring journey is seeking quality feedback from people you trust about your adherence to your self-proclaimed values, mission, and goals. If you’re true to that process, and diligent in walking the path you’ve laid out for yourself, you can be confident that you’re bending the arc of your personal history to conform to the road you want to travel. If that’s the case, you don’t need to be self-consciously stewing over what everyone else is thinking about you every second of every day. You can be confident that, because you were intentional, because you had the right end in mind, and because you're on a disciplined journey, you are doing all you can to make that “other room” conversation exactly what you want it to be.
So, no need to wiretap your friends phones, or place a listening device in your colleague’s office. Just follow this mentoring path we’ve laid out for you, and you’ll be well on your way to building the reputation required for your version of success--however you define it.
In our continuing mentoring series titled, “High on Investment Banking”, I am documenting an ongoing mentorship with Jackson High to hopefully provide some encouragement and action steps for your mentorships.
Mentoring Tips found within this post:
Be proactive with setting up meetings within your network
If possible, participate in the meeting to provide introductions and feedback
Separately ask your contact for constructive criticism or advice.
Encourage mentee to send thank you notes
Schedule a follow up meeting with your mentee to debrief.
Jackson and I followed our action plan to meet with two investment bankers--one currently working at Goldman Sachs and the other who began his career at Goldman Sach, yet is now managing an investment fund. I reached out to both of these individuals to schedule a zoom meeting that was convenient for all involved.
Our first call was with Ricky Grant, Managing Director at Goldman Sachs, followed by a call with Blake Trippet, Chief Investment Officer at MetaFund. I participated on each of these calls, primarily to make the appropriate introductions but also to clarify any inquiries, if needed. It was also very helpful to observe the interaction between Jackson and these accomplished finance professionals. Ricky and Blake provided meaningful responses to Jackson’s questions and additional guidance and encouragement along the way. A few of my takeaways from these calls were as follows:
Find a way to connect with recruiters on a personal basis
Be persistent until you are successful
Use LinkedIn to find connections
Pursue JD or MBA if you desire to raise your profile
Internships are still primary way to land full time jobs
Find a champion or mentor for career development
Be prepared to work hard with long hours
After the meetings were over, Jackson and I agreed that it would be appropriate to send thank you cards to Ricky and Blake.
In addition, I separately asked each of these professionals to provide me with feedback on the call, such as presentation style, content of his questions, or any other thoughts that might be helpful for Jackson’s development. Based on this request, the overall feedback I received was very positive, but also constructive. I set up a meeting with Jackson to pass these thoughts along.
Stay tuned for documentation of this debrief with Jackson...
Our post this week comes from Trevor Jones. As you may recall, Trevor is participating in a blog mentorship and--even better-- he is allowing us to post the interaction! This is the second homework assignment: self awareness. After reading our post titled How Well Do You Know...You?, Trevor provided his assessment of the eight areas of self awareness. In addition (as we suggested in the post), Trevor asked a close friend to provide an assessment for him. In Trevor’s case, he asked his girlfriend, Allee Pipes, to rank his self awareness in these areas from 1 (most aware) to 8 (least aware).
If you would like to begin a blog mentorship as Trevor is demonstrating, please complete this form.
by Adam
To keep you on your toes, we've got dual ratings systems going on here.
Trevor ranked his aptitude on several dimensions of self awareness on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being poor, and 10 being good. For example, if Trevor were to give himself a "10" on "Relational," that would mean he perceives himself to do a great job interacting and connecting with others, among other things. So, remember, for Trevor's ranking: 10 is good, 1 is...less good!
Allee's assessment is on a different scale, and she's assessing a slightly different thing. Allee is not necessarily assessing Trevor's aptitude along these dimensions, but ranking his relative level of self-awareness along those dimensions. She's ordering the areas from 1 to 8, where 1 signifies the area with the highest level self awareness, and 8 signifies the lowest level. So, to the extent you think more self-awareness is good (and, we hope you do!), Allee's scale is running in the opposite direction of Trevor's.
So, what does that mean? Well, flipping my earlier example, say Trevor gave himself a "1" of 10 on "Relational," signifying he thinks he does relatively poorly on that that dimension. Then, Allee ranked that as "1." That might indicate Allee agrees: Trevor is accurate in his less-than-rosy self-assessment. Fortunately, and as you'll see below, that is not the case! Allee and Trevor seem to agree this is one of his strong suits.
Did you catch all that? Good! There won't be a test, so take a deep breath. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the post!
I believe that I keep my emotions intact pretty well. It is very rare that I get upset or angry, but when I do I wear my emotions on my sleeve and it is very hard to hide. Typically there is an accumulation of many different things that make me upset, which I feel is a good thing, but when my bubble finally bursts it is immediate, not a gradual anger. I try my best to not let things get to me and if they do I usually get over them rather quick. I would rather focus on other people’s feelings and emotions in any scenario and try to keep my emotions in check so others do not feel obligated or feel the need to worry about mine. I have described myself as relaxed and think that is a good descriptor in this area. So, I will give myself a 7/10 because I go with the flow most of the time, but know I could work on my “outbursts” when they do occur.
The word adventurous is not a word that I would use to describe myself. I would describe myself as someone that makes decisions based on the facts, and would rather listen to someone first in a conversation and analyze what was being said before I make any comments. To me, that plays a big role in my historical evaluation. I don’t like to go off of the path already laid before me, but would rather try different things to see if I could make or do something better. In this day and age though, being the trendsetter or the brick layer could benefit you immensely. For this section I give myself a 4/10 because I am a rational thinker and would rather base my decisions on the past compared to paving my own way.
Hopefully I am pretty aware of myself when I write on this topic, because I believe that this area is one of my strongest, if not my strongest out of the 8 listed. I think being a good listener, and being able to rein in my emotions makes me a people person. One of my passions is to help/mentor people, so I would hope that Relational is one of my highest ranking areas. Now, I am 6’4” and rather large, so I can see how someone could think I was intimidating, but I feel that when someone gets to know me a little bit that they feel pretty comfortable around me rather quick. I deal with a lot of different kinds of people between my full time job and the head reffing job that I have, and my ability to connect with all different kinds of people really helps in those situations. For this area I will give myself an 8/10 because I believe it is one of my strongest sections, but could always be improved upon.
A lot of different factors play into this area, but I always try to listen first and then make my decisions on what to say or how to interact with someone that is not happy with me. Since I feel as if I don’t get upset too often I think listening is imperative for me. I have learned to listen to what others are feeling or their frustrations and the react to that specific concern or issue. Now I believe all of that is good, but I am going to give myself a 7/10 for this area because there have been plenty of times where I should have leaned in more compared to the other person. I think I have shied from leaning in during confrontation, because I know I am very hard headed, and don’t like to admit when I am wrong.
Posture – Trevor’s Rank: 5/10, Allee’s Rank: 4/8
This area is difficult for me to assess because I feel as if I am a very inviting person and that I can connect with people easily, but I know that I can sometimes where my emotions on my sleeve. If you know me, it can be very easy to tell when I am upset or frustrated just by my facial expressions but in general, I try and keep a smile on my face when interacting with others. Eye contact for me is big factor in posture because if someone is not looking at you while interacting I feel as if it puts off the notion that they are uninterested. I will give myself a 5/10 for this area because of the emotions I wear on my sleeves and the fact that I know my eyes can wonder frequently when interacting with somebody.
Tone – Trevor’s Rank: 3/10, Allee’s Rank: 2/8
Tone is probably the section I can improve the most. I like to listen and consume the entire situation before I make and comments or decisions, but once I make those decisions I don’t think about the delivery as much. One of my biggest flaws, in my opinion is how sarcastic I am. Whether it is to get a laugh out of someone or to prove a point, I think my sarcasm can be dangerous. Now don’t get me wrong, sarcasm can bring some light to any situation, but finding the right time and manner to use that sarcasm can be difficult to figure out. In my opinion I am very quick to speak, and should take more time to evaluate what I am going to say after I have taken time to evaluate the situation. Could that be related to my stubbornness, I would think so. I give myself a 3/10 on tone, but it is getting better as I try and work on it.
I previously mentioned that one of my passions is to mentor people, and I think you can tie in the desire to help people into that as well. I am not sure what the term for this would be but I am very motivated when it comes to assisting others. Pushing my emotions and things I have to do to the side is my forte. A good descriptor for me would be relaxed, when it comes to my own tasks and duties because I feel as if I will drop what I am doing in order to help someone else. Now, I give myself a 6/10 for this area because I will still get my work done, but sometimes it is a little delayed. I have a lot of goals and aspirations, but its always taking that first step that is the hardest for me.
I keep coming back to the fact that I have a very hard head, and tend to be stubborn in a lot of situations. For me, its not a sense of proving that I am right, but not wanting to admit that I am wrong. With that playing a big role in arrogance and pride, I think confidence plays a big role as well. Now I know this isn’t an assessment of confidence so I will keep this section short, but my confidence waivers pretty frequently, so for this section I am going to give myself a 4/10. There is a fine line between being arrogant and confident, and if I am being completely honest I toe that line too often. I frequently am not as confident as I should be, and on the other hand I am too stubborn that it can come off as arrogant. All in all I don’t look at myself and think, “Wow, I am full of pride.” So I believe I could be better and I could be worse in this area.
by Kevin
Trevor, thanks again for continuing this example of a blog mentorship! I am very impressed with your ability to assess yourself. Hopefully you found the exercise useful for your development. I would like to point out a couple of observations I had after reading your response.
Your ability to get along with others is clearly one of your greatest strengths, as evidenced by your assessment, as well as Allee’s concurrence with your assessment by ranking it as your most aware area. Your desire to serve people (through mentoring and other activities) and listen to their concerns clearly enables a quick connection. Your height (“6’4’’ and rather large” your words not mine) may put you in a position to look down on others, but your awareness allows you to build them up--creating an immediate connection. Continue to focus in this area of strength as you build your mission statement (the next homework assignment). You will find that this will allow you to make a difference as it utilizes a key strength of yours.
However, confrontation seems to be an area of improvement for you. Although you gave yourself a 7, Allee ranked it as the least aware area. I realize you focus on listening and not reacting, but perhaps there are more times that you need to speak your mind, as you indicated when you said you should lean in more. I think Allee might agree. Personally, admitting I am wrong is not easy, but in my case, it is common. When you are wrong, everyone knows it, so you might as well admit it. Confrontation can be one of the most constructive ways to reconcile a relationship, as long as it is carried out with respect and appreciation for one another.
Interestingly, the biggest disconnect you had with Allee was Tone. Allee ranked that second to the highest of the most aware area while you gave yourself a 3. I would be interested to discuss that with each of you, but perhaps you are delivering that sarcasm much better than you think?
Thanks again for submitting this homework assignment #2. I do believe you have a high degree of self awareness (i.e. relational, emotional, and motivation), but hopefully this exercise will help fine tune a few areas where you are not as aware (i.e. confrontation, historical, and pride). I am looking forward to the next assignment.
by Adam
I won’t add too much, because I think Kevin hit the nail on the head! But, I do want to commend you, Trevor. It takes a lot of humility, and an impressive level of introspection, to evaluate yourself on these dimensions and invite someone else into that evaluation. But, you’ve taken it a step further! You’ve put it all out there, allowing other prospective mentee’s and mentor’s reading this post, see behind the curtain, and understand what this exercise looks like in practice. Of course, while this self-evaluation method is an important way to solicit feedback, you’re not being graded. BUT...if you were…I think your engagement in this exercise should earn you some serious bonus points.
