by Kevin
I am hopeful that all young professionals can relate to Adam’s initial experience and realization that we are on a journey (go ahead, drink the water). Yet, perhaps you should also realize, as the mentor (at least in this relationship), I am really no different. Do I think I am close to my endpoint? Hope not, I feel like I’m just getting started! Am I setting new goals? Absolutely, there is so much more to learn and achieve. How about new paths? This blog certainly feels like a new path to me (how is it so far? Wait, actually, hold that thought, we are still new at this). Isn’t it better knowing that we can be on this journey together--Mentee and Mentor? We can both be growing and learning at the same time? That seems comforting, exciting and well worth our time. Adam, you are so right: this journey is definitely a call to action, for both of us, so let’s get moving!
If you don’t mind, I would like to ask you a question (and, by the way, get used to the incessant inquiries). How well do you know yourself? The real you? Not the one you think you are selling but nobody is buying. I’m asking about the most authentic and transparent version of yourself? You will figure this out soon, but I love quotes. So, here is a quote from John Maxwell to get us started with the importance of awareness: “You have to know yourself to grow yourself”. So, that is exactly where we will start, knowing yourself--the real self.
As I begin a relationship with a mentee and we start this self awareness evaluation, I have learned it is important to first assess self-confidence, even before we delve deeper into the areas of awareness or strengths and weaknesses (which we will cover in separate posts). I truly believe a healthy self-confidence is the essential first step up the stairs to success. Why? Without the required self-confidence there is no courage--or belief--in your personal growth. There is no imagination to think beyond the current reality, no resolution for risk taking, and no exploration of new opportunities. Sadly, there is no excitement--or willingness--to take any action.
We know it is important, but what is confidence? I describe confidence as your belief in your own abilities--or power--and how you think others perceive those abilities. Do you believe in yourself? I know I believe you are certainly capable of achievement, but it assuredly takes..."just the two of us” (go ahead, sing along) before this mentorship can be meaningful. How can you set aspirational goals if you don’t trust you have the ability to accomplish them? It takes confidence: a belief in your own abilities. I’m not talking about a type of confidence that declares “I’m the greatest” (if that describes you, we can will work on that too), but rather, a reassuring belief that you have within you the seeds of growth, the ability to achieve, the mindset that knows you are capable of obtaining your heart’s desires. So, are you confident? Taking action requires strength and power, but that becomes pretty difficult when you can only see yourself as weak and pitiful.
Through my years of mentoring, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised to discover that so many young professionals lack an appropriate amount of self confidence. Honestly, when I first began my own journey I will admit that I also lacked convincing conviction. It seemed to stem from my observation (and maybe even jealousy, since i’m being so honest) of all of the amazing abilities of those around me. I wondered why my limited talents didn’t seem as noteworthy? Why were there so many people who were smarter, funnier, more attractive, more likable and overall just better than me? Why did everyone else have things “figured out” (spoiler alert: they didn’t)? I could clearly see how others could be successful, but in comparison, I didn’t see how I could beat--or even match--that success.
However, as I heard from the founder of BancFirst, H.E. Rainbolt, “don’t compare yourself to others, compare yourself to potential.” Only compare yourself to potential? Isn’t that a relief?! If you only focus on the gifts of others, you will continually overlook your own, and, let me tell you, you have so many gifts to give! I believe your confidence will build as you realize, and utilize, your own unique abilities (strengths) and continue to grow in competency, learning and understanding of your environment. That’s it! The longer you can remain in your strength zone (more on that later), pursue your individual goals, and commit to being a continual learner, the more confident you will become. You may make a few mistakes along the way, but that’s okay because you have....confidence! This momentum building confidence then leads to results and significance. Confidence starts small and then grows. The goal is not to obtain other people’s strengths (comparison), but to know and utilize your own strengths (potential). I love what John Wooden once said in regards to comparison, “If we do everything we are supposed to do, it doesn’t matter what the other team is doing, we will win”.
This realization early on in my career was the foundation of my budding confidence which has allowed me to set goals beyond my known capabilities. Yes, I have gifts, and no, they won’t look exactly like Adam’s or your gifts. Therefore, our success won’t look exactly alike, but we can all be confident in ourselves!
Here is a quick story from my own experience to emphasize the message. When I was first promoted to manager, I was having difficulty feeling competent in the required technical skills of auditing as I was trying to lead my team while properly responding to partner review notes. This constant inability was certainly impacting my confidence--negatively. At that time, the accounting firm I worked for published our entire audit methodology in a paperback book. I can’t remember accurately, but it seems like that thing was at least 600 pages long. However, because I felt additional learning was necessary, I read the entire book--twice (no, it wasn’t that interesting--it took me a year)! After taking that time to expand my understanding of the technicalities of my trade, my confidence returned. Additional learning resulted in additional confidence. Amazing! By the way, I still have that book on my shelf as a reminder of my commitment to learning (maybe I should open it up to verify the number of pages--nah).
How confident are you feeling?
by Adam
I’m conflicted on my own self-assessment of my self-confidence (maybe due to lack of self-awareness?). Wow, that’s already a lot of “self” talk in the first sentence!
On the one hand, I’ve always had a decent amount of conviction in my own thoughts and ideas. I’m the kind of person that bubbles up with energy on the inside when I think I know the answer, or think I can contribute to finding it. Of course, that’s always tempered by the natural, self-censoring self-talk: “Does anyone in this meeting really care to hear my opinion?” Hopefully I’ve always landed well shy of the “I’m the greatest” bar that Kevin set for problematic levels of confidence. But, for one reason or another, I managed to barrel past those concerns raised by my shy, inside voice, and share my opinions when I had them.
For me, the manifestation of low confidence wasn’t centered around a doubt in my own skills or abilities. It was centered around a doubt in the career path I chose, the decisions I had made on that path, and whether both were congruent with my skills and abilities (and personal aspirations). I was confident I had some talent, just maybe not the right talent. My style of doing things, right down to something as basic as my personality, seemed so different from most people in my field (let alone most successful people in my field).
Now, I’ll stop well short of claiming my experience is anything near universal. I’ve often marveled at peers and friends I’ve met with what seem to be the opposite configuration: total conviction on the correctness of their chosen career path, but insecurity around their aptitude in general.
Hopefully you’re not rolling your eyes yet, because I’m about to transition from reflecting on the problem to the beginning of the happy ending (at least, to the extent I’ve lived the happy ending so far!). Don’t worry: my posts won’t always be all rainbows and butterflies. There are plenty of serious personal and professional challenges I struggle with to this day. But, luckily for me (and for this post), I’ve already laid to rest my deepest concerns around this particular question: do I have the talent and drive to be successful in my chosen career path? I wouldn’t have been able to say "yes" during the earliest years of my career, but I’m now confident that I do.
That’s not to say I don’t waver from time to time. Sure, there are days where I really whiff on an important project, discharge my duties in a less-than-graceful manner, or just really come up short, disappointing people that I respect and that rely on my work. But, for the most part, I’ve found ways to map my unique talents to the boilerplate unique requirements of my job.
It took me a few years, but I realized that my perspective on what my job required was all wrong. At first, I was convinced there was one way to be successful. I approached job requirements as a set of time-tested, non-negotiable items (which hearkens back to my misinformed idea on the existence of a one-size-fits-all formula for success). But, the world is more nuanced than that. And, there is more than one way to do a great job.
Maybe this is painfully obvious to you, and you’ll soon skip to Kevin’s next post (go ahead, I won’t blame you). For me, this point wasn’t obvious at all! I had spent so much time and effort trying to emulate other successful people around me, that I was stifling my own uniqueness (and talent), and redoubling my self-doubt when I inevitably came up short.
I realize that I’ve been sufficiently vague so far as for this post to be borderline useless, and I apologize for that. If you just hang with me thought through a couple more posts, I think you’ll find a more satisfactory answer! The truth is, all these concepts around self-awareness are inextricably linked. The detailed antidote to my self confidence issues laid in recognizing, and appropriately applying, my own talents. So, stay tuned! And, I promise to transform my vaguely optimistic ramblings on uniqueness into a more detailed (and hopefully more instructive!) account of my journey.