Category: Self-Awareness

This series of blog posts titled “Mentoring with Glenn” is a documentation of Kevin’s mentoring sessions with a young professional named Glenn Elmore. These mentoring meetings will utilize the topics that we are discussing in our ongoing blog: “Mentoring your Mission”.  Periodically, over the next several months, we will be providing a post covering each topic. You will certainly learn more about Glenn as the series progresses, but just for some initial background, Glenn graduated from University of Central Oklahoma (UCO) in 2017. Over the past three years he has been an Admissions Counselor (recruiter) for both UCO and OC, where he currently works. 

This post documents our first meeting to begin a discussion on “Self Awareness”, specifically his self-confidence.

by Kevin

Mentoring tips found within this post:

• Meet in a relaxed setting (I prefer coffee shops);
• Start with an explanation of the purpose and expectations of the mentoring relationship;
• As you discuss each topic, explain why it is important to you, the mentor;
• Make sure you agree on the definition of key terms;
• Take good notes so you can provide a summary of the conversation before you finish;
• Set up the next meeting. 

I was excited to sit down with Glenn to begin the process of “mentoring your mission”. After ordering a couple cups of coffee, I explained to Glenn that over the next 10 meetings we will be following a mentoring program to help him build a solid foundation of success, narrow the direction for his life, identify the steps to achieve it, promote his best qualities, giving back to the community, and establish himself as a continued learner.  

After the initial explanation of our mentorship, I introduced the first topic: self-awareness. I began with a quote from John Maxwell which, as I described to Glenn, captures the essence of this area. John Maxwell stated, “You have to know yourself to grow yourself”. I then explained that during this initial discussion we will assess his self-image, his awareness of key areas impacting his relationship with others, and his strengths and weaknesses. Increasing his self awareness will allow his growth to be continuously aligned with his “strength zone,” helping push him towards his maximum potential. I went on to clarify that the more he can work within his strength zone, the more his confidence will build (momentum), which I believe is a necessity for sustained and prolonged development.

We then dove in deeper to understand why I believe confidence is such an important foundation of his growth. I articulated to Glenn that I personally rely on confidence to provide the mechanism to drive myself forward in order to recognize and explore new opportunities. I then transitioned the conversation back to Glenn by asking him: how do you define  confidence? Glenn replied that he would define confidence as “believing you have the ability to do the things you need to do and doing them well.” It was helpful for me to determine that we have defined confidence in a similar manner.

I then urged Glenn to reflect on his own confidence and how he would currently measure it. Glenn thought his confidence has varied throughout his life, but naturally his confidence is lower when he is in a new position, or circumstance, he is not familiar with. For example, the transition from college to professional life had lowered his confidence. However, after two years of post-graduate employment his confidence is starting to build as he is performing at a higher level at work and has a better understanding of the expectations of him. He admitted that he is least confident when he doesn’t know what he is doing, or when instructions (or expectations) haven’t been communicated clearly to him. 

When he was a college student he assumed he would know everything that is required of him but soon realized that assumption was not accurate as he began adjusting to a forty-hour work week. This realization and adjustment negatively impacted his confidence. However, Glenn’s ability to discuss this transition with others has been helpful as it aided with this “post grad identity crisis” as he labeled it. Glenn said it has helped by having discussions with others who have recently completed this transition with similar experiences but overcame this crisis. Glenn received good advice when he was told “you shouldn’t expect to know everything”, which he found quite comforting. I concurred with that counsel.

Next, we transitioned into how Glenn sees himself in relation to high performers and how that might impact his self-confidence. Glenn admitted to a strong desire to be the “best”, so we explored what it actually means to Glenn to be the best. Glenn acknowledged that he is very competitive by nature (reverting to sports-like tendencies) and is inclined to measure himself in comparison to other people. He maintains high expectations in relation to his peers. He wants to win--realizing that historically that meant defeating opponents--but he is now starting to understand how that might be destructive in his current circumstances and relationships within the working world. Consequently, we reframed what being the best--or winning--really means. 

So, what is winning for a young professional like Glenn? We redefined winning in terms of being the best at what he, Glenn, can be, and not measured by outperforming his peers or their accomplishments. Although he shouldn’t eradicate his sense of competitive drive, he should try to redirect that drive into a competition with himself, to push himself to be better each day, primarily measured by his service to others, not defeating others. We discussed focusing less on the success of others but more on his own abilities and measuring himself to his own potential. I expounded that if we rely on other people to determine our success, the other person controls our success versus governing it ourselves. Instead we should only use other people as motivation to improve ourselves measured to our own potential.

Overall, Glenn believes that his confidence really builds momentum when he knows what is expected of him, focuses on his own strengths, and continues to discuss his experiences with others. Glenn currently assesses his confidence as relatively high as he feels like he is performing well at the tasks at hand and continues to learn new information. Glenn agrees that it is essential to be confident as he understands that a significant amount of his potential success stems from his confidence, or belief in himself.  We concluded that Glenn is performing at his best when he has the proper balance between confidence and humility, realizing he hasn’t arrived at where he wants to be but continually striving to push himself forward in alignment with his strengths. 

As we were wrapping up we set the date for our next meeting to discuss self awareness.

by Kevin

The final fundamental consideration within self-awareness is something that is so vital that I established it as one our Lawrence family values: positive attitude. By the way, I have learned that establishing family values works best if the family actually agrees with you, or even better, develops the values along with you. Otherwise it is just a friendly, family suggestion. Therefore, I have a tendency to make a lot of “suggestions”. Regardless, I’m still proud of our Lawrence family suggestions, even if I'm still waiting for their buy-in. 

I’m sure everyone reading this blog has asked for, and received, plenty of advice in their lives (it’s also likely advice has come regardless of whether you ever asked for it—yes, i’m guilty as charged). Most of the advice given to me has been—regretfully—forgotten (too bad nobody advised me to write it down, that would have also been good advice). However, the very best advice I received (and remembered) came when I began my career in public accounting. This wise person told me to “remain humble and maintain a good attitude”. That was such fortuitous advice I carried it forward to my next job as CFO, and I’m so glad i did! In my opinion, your attitude affects every aspect of your life: your performance, your relationships, your reputation….your success!

So, what is a good attitude? I realize there is so much to say about this, but I will do my best to describe it within the confines of a blog. A good attitude: puts others above yourself, focuses on service, finds solutions and not problems, wears a smile (not the creepy kind that never goes away, unless we have actual clowns reading this blog—potential reader pictured above), greets enthusiastically, doesn’t find satisfaction in the downfall of others, arrives early, is willing to stay late, and lastly (and perhaps most importantly), is always grateful. Ultimately, it propels you to promote improvement for your friends, family, workplace, and community. Herb Kelleher, founder of Southwest Airlines, once said, “we hire for attitude, we can teach skills”. If Kelleher believes it is consequential, maybe you should too!  Let me be as clear as possible: a positive attitude will be the ultimate difference maker in your success. If negativity never leaves you, you will constantly struggle to build momentum. 

I also believe there is a relationship between attitude and optimism, but it is not so easily connected. So, where do you fall on the optimism spectrum? I have had some very interesting conversations on this topic. In my early belief, it seemed obvious (to me) that everyone should continually remain unabashedly optimistic, despite the circumstances, but i have since learned that isn’t always the case. And for, perhaps, good reason. Some of it may be semantics, but an undying optimistic outlook isn’t the way we all see our surroundings. And that’s okay. What I have eventually settled on in regards to an appropriate level of optimism comes from Jim Collins popular book, “Good to Great”. In this book he describes the “Stockdale paradox”. Essentially, it is the ability to acknowledge the facts of your situation while balancing optimism with realism. That is certainly better than pessimism as Thomas Friedman pointed out when he said, “the pessimists are usually right, but it is usually the optimists who change the world.”

If the optimism/realism balance works  for you, then I'm okay with that. However, I will maintain my everlasting belief that everything is going to turn out okay, even a belief that the Lawrence kids will realize the importance of a positive attitude and—eventually—adopt it as a family value. 

by Adam

I can’t tell you how excited I was to see this post.  THIS. IS. MY. FAVORITE. TOPIC.  I’m not being facetious, so if you hate overly positive, cheerleader-type people...brace yourself.  Put your chair in an upright position and grab the barf bag.  You are in for a turbulent ride.

I’d argue that I do balance optimism with realism, but the realism is just ALWAYS SUPER AWESOME COMPARED TO POTENTIAL ALTERNATIVES.

Ok, I’ll promise to stop using caps lock for the remainder of this post.  But, stick with me.  

I am big on something called “stoicism.”  Now, if you look that term up, you might get something like this:  “the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.”

After reading that, I don’t expect you to be clamoring for a sign-up sheet to learn more.  I’ll admit, on the surface, it is not an appealing definition.  Instead of trying to write a tour de force on stoic practices and all the super wise (and super dead) Greek people who first wrote them down, I’ll focus on just one stoic practice: negative visualisation.

Second unappealing definition incoming: “The core of the idea is to visualize negative outcomes in your life.”  

I get it, that sounds closer to a mental disorder than a useful tool for positivity.  But, I implore you, just try it.  Close your eyes (or, if you’re reading this at your desk at work, maybe keep your eyes open).  Imagine the individual  you love most in your life.  Maybe its a significant other, maybe a family member, maybe a dog (no judgement), or maybe a cat (now I’m judging you).  What if that person (or animal) was taken away from you?  Maybe in a horrific accident, or maybe in an even more emotionally destructive way!  Your partner could leave you.  You dog could also leave you.  For long stretches of time, your cat probably does leave you (or, at the very least, wants to)!

How bad would that feel compared to your life right now?  Pretty bad, right? 

Now, join me back in the real world.  Hopefully, if even just in this moment, you are experiencing some gratitude for that special person (or animal) in your life.  This same thought pattern applies to all kinds of things.  How lucky are you to be reading this blog?  This could be the worst, most boring blog in the world, but it’s still amazing that you get to read it!  At no other point in human history could you hope to have the technology to do anything like this.  Depending on how you connect to the internet, this information might literally be coming to you from space! That’s right, SPACE (DANG IT, I BROKE THE CAPS LOCK PROMISE!!!).  The hardware you're using is built upon the foundation of thousands of years of human knowledge and innovation, culminating in your ability to read these words.  How lucky are you?  Very, very lucky!

Now, back to the realism part.  Just because you aren’t living in the Iron Age with no cell phone and a missing dog, doesn’t mean there aren’t opportunities for improvement.  There are tons of fantastical things out ahead of you, if only you aspire to reach for them!  An appreciation for the gifts you do have doesn’t inevitably lead to complacency.  But it does serve as a powerful antidote to spiraling and unproductive patterns of negative thoughts.

No matter how you have it, I promise you have it really, really good.  Now, go out there and aspire to have it really, really, really good!  No matter how you define good, an extra “really” is always attainable.  

by Kevin

Adam and I wanted to take a break from our regularly scheduled posts on the mentoring principles to demonstrate how a blog mentorship could be beneficial. Thankfully, a young professional, Trevor Jones, was willing to give it a try and agreed to let us post the interaction--thanks Trevor! Trevor is 25 years old and a recent college graduate sorting through the next steps of his career and life. Hopefully these posts will create some curiosity and inspire some interest from you to take the next step and begin a blog mentorship. 

Essentially, if you are willing, the first step to the blog mentorship is to submit your confidence assessment. This will be done via email to kevin@mentoringyourmission.com and adam@mentoringyourmission.com. We will then lead you through the next steps as well as guide you to the appropriate blog post for additional context. 

Once we receive each submission, Adam and I will provide our mentoring feedback to your submission, which we hope will be helpful to you.  We will go at your pace and interest. And no, we will not post your assignments, unless we get your express e-permission. However, we do believe that posting your journey will encourage others on their journey--but no pressure!

by Trevor

For this assignment, I relate a lot to what Adam said in his first couple of sentences of “Know Thyself…”  I am conflicted because I do not believe I have figured out the best way to assess myself.  In my past experiences I have found that I tend to assess myself on either side of the spectrum; I am either too confident or not confident enough in myself.  I think finding that middle ground of assessing yourself is a difficult thing to do, but I believe I have gotten better at it and understand the “roles” that I play more than I have ever before.

On the topic of confidence, I would say that I am feeling pretty confident where I am at currently.  I have been at my current job, that I truly enjoy, for almost 10 months.  My personal and professional relationships are going really well, at least from my perspective, and I was recently given the opportunity to step up into a new role at the flag football league I work for as a Head Referee.  This new role is not my full time job, but something I have enjoyed doing since college and one day hope to get an opportunity to make something in this field of work my full time job.

Of the three areas I mentioned above, my current career path is where I am feeling most confident.  While I was in college, I began working for BancFirst as a Teller in the drive thru and was there for 9 months before I graduated and decided to start job searching.  Once I had graduated, I decided that leaving BancFirst to pursue a different opportunity was the best option for me, and it may have been at the time, but after working for 9 months in a different career path I was not happy, and needed to make a change.  Lucky for me the same branch where I had been working before I graduated was hiring, and more specifically hiring for a position that I had looked at 9 months prior when I had decided to leave BancFirst.  Now, I have been back with BancFirst for almost 10 months and I believe I have really started to hit my stride towards progressing my career.  It is definitely a unique situation where I had left a specific career path to see what opportunities there were for me, and in the end I wound up right where I had started.  I don’t know everything there is to know about my current position, but I go into every day looking to learn and progress in what I am doing.

I will try to wrap this up by answering some of the other questions that you prompted me with.  You asked me to answer the questions, “When have you felt the most confident?” and, “When have you felt the least confident?”  So, I am going to start with the question regarding when I was least confident because as I mentioned earlier I am conflicted on how I assess myself.  My natural gut reaction is to answer about when I felt least confident because that is the time that stuck out most to me.  During my sophomore year of college is when I believe I was the least confident.  Going into that year, I had recently hung up my cleats, and decided to not play baseball anymore.  And for me that was the hardest decision I had made in my life up to that point.  I grew up playing baseball every chance that I got, from the time my parents could first sign me up.  For 16 years I practiced, sweat, bled and cried countless times for the game of baseball.  It was my first love and to give that up put me in a position where I didn’t know what to do.  Along with that, I was going through a time that I didn’t know what I wanted to study while in college.  I originally was going to get my degree in Sports Wellness and Recreation Management, but didn’t know if, or how good the opportunities would be if I got any with that degree.  I had lost a lot of myself when I quit playing baseball, and adding this daunting thought of, “well, what am I going to do now” with my free time and my studies put me in a situation where I doubted myself a lot.

Now on the flip side of that, I believe that right now, at this present time is when I have felt most confident.  You can refer to what I have said previously, but I don’t believe my outlook on life as a whole has ever really been this good.  There are some really great opportunities in front of me right now, and there is still a lot of room for progress.  But I can honestly say I haven’t been happier or more confident with where I am at, than at this moment.  Sure there are things that happen and instances where outcomes aren’t what I want them to be, but I am a strong believer in the saying, “everything happens for a reason.”  You can plan and plan all you want, but there is always that one little thing that throws your plans right out of the window.  Now me saying that I am the most confident that I have ever been, does not mean that I am content where I am at, but in my eyes, there is no time like the present. 

by Adam

Trevor!  I may not be the most self-confident in assessing my own self-assessment, as I’ve mentioned in the past.  But, unlike my assessment of my self-assessment, I can confidently assess that your self-assessment is...pretty profound!  

For those keeping score, yes, I used some form of the word “assess” 6 times already.

There are two deep insights in your writing that stick out to me, and ultimately converge on the same underlying truth.

First, as it relates to your love of baseball, you mention  “It was my first love and to give that up put me in a position where I didn’t know what to do.”  Later on, in discussing your current career path, you say “You can plan and plan all you want, but there is always that one little thing that throws your plans right out of the window.”

That sounds like some grade-A wisdom to me!  Life is unpredictable, and that unpredictability manifests in many ways.  The circumstances of life forced an end to your baseball career before you were ready.  The stress of an uncertain academic and professional journey (unhappily, but temporarily) filled that void.  And, ultimately, a circuitous career path led you to find a confident, new beginning amongst the ashes of a chapter of life that you may have thought was permanently behind you.  

I know the feeling!  I was incredibly conflicted throughout college, and early on in my career.  I also left the first company I worked for a “better” opportunity, only to find that returning a year later was the right move for me (and, it has worked out great!).

My gut reaction is to give two pieces of advice: one that I’m confident in giving, and the other that I’m only beginning to truly understand for myself.

The first piece of advice is just reiterating (and inviting you to reflect further on) the truth behind what you already know: life is unpredictable, and the best laid plans go awry.  Knowing that--really internalizing it--can save you a lot of unnecessary stress and heartache.  Each new day, week, and month brings a new set of circumstances.  It’s exhausting and unproductive to try to white-knuckle through the experience, desperately attempting to force unfolding events to fit within a rigid, preconceived notion of how your life “should’ go.  That’s not a knock on setting goals and planning ahead; it’s just a more realistic (and more productive?) invitation to embrace the uncertainty.  Adapt to the new unexpected challenges (and opportunities) that life brings your way.  Expect the unexpected!  Maybe even embrace the unexpected.  

But, where does that leave me?  I still haven’t really addressed the underlying attack on self-confidence.  In an uncertain world, where tomorrows (and their contents) aren’t promised today, what is an appropriate foundation for your self-confidence?  Should you look for the one or two goals or activities that form the bedrock of your mission statement and life plans, anchoring yourself to those things alone?  Should you spread your self-confidence out over a myriad of things, knowing that, like a well-diversified portfolio, surely everything won’t tank on you all at once?

I genuinely don’t have a great answer for that one.  In my life, I tend to fall somewhere in between.  There is no “one thing” that drives me forward; I have important sources of self-confidence in many areas of my life.  But, I’d be lying if I pretended there weren’t a few areas much more important than the rest.  For example, if I lost the love and support of my wife, no amount of “hey, but I am getting better at tennis,” is going to expeditiously pull my self-confidence through to the other side.

I guess I’ll leave you with a less profound thought.  Your story reminds me of my own.  The collegiate and early-career soul-searching, the abbreviated attempt at a new career path, and the satisfied return to a new opportunity at a familiar place.  

So far, for me, that story continues to get better and better.  In many ways, looking back on the uncertainty gives me confidence in my ability to adapt to whatever the future brings.

Once again… Trevor!  Thank you for the deeply insightful words, and for sharing your journey with us!

by Kevin

Trevor, I really appreciate your very thoughtful analysis...especially since you are charting the course for a blog mentorship! 

I think that it is very natural to feel like you are caught on a roller coaster between the highs and lows of confidence. That is just life--particularly life as a young professional. This is why I like to hear about the circumstances that led to each of these results. Some circumstances are harmful while others are helpful. The ideal outcome is to find a consistent, predictable and reliable source of self-confidence.

As you indicated, your confidence took a hit when your baseball career came to an end. This tells me that you were once connecting your self worth and identity to a specific performance or outcome which ultimately can’t be controlled. In your case it was in a sport that can be unpredictable, especially when it comes to injuries and long term career prospects. Honestly, this can easily happen to all of us if we tie our success to one specific role, company, or outcome. Some things in life will just always be outside of our control and we have to accept that. Therefore, tying your confidence to a narrow plan and specific outcome is not going to be reliable and will--most likely--end in disappointment. However, as you said, sometimes circumstances require an adjustment to your plan, which is why confidence is so vital to get us through those challenges! 

Learning to find a healthier foundation of confidence is key to your comfort. At this stage in your life, you found this in your closest relationships, enjoyable hobbies, and a satisfying (and reliable) career path. You might notice that these are all areas where you can provide the appropriate level of input--or effort--and predictably achieve your desired results for growth. Yes, you can have a better marriage (or relationship)  if you put in the effort...and it does take effort! 

You are learning, growing and achieving, which builds confidence daily. Perhaps you will make a mistake (we all do), but did you learn from it? Your success may not come from a thirty year career with the same company, but you have the confidence to know there is another opportunity waiting for you if you are willing to put in the effort, learn, and be patient. My advice is to continue to focus on your strengths and interests, while being a continual learner. Eventually, you will start noticing your accomplishments (if you don’t, pause to reflect)...which will only add to your confidence. Ask yourself: did you, Trevor, do the best that you could do today? 

This clarity and satisfaction, along with your supportive relationships will give you an appropriate and balanced level of self-confidence. In summary, it seems to me that you exhibit the appropriate amount of confidence at this stage in your life to achieve your next steps and continue your journey to success!

by Kevin

Adam clearly demonstrated his awareness--thanks for the transparency! He must have had a strong mentor (or, more likely, just a good friend).

Our third post in this realm of self awareness is the identification of your strengths and weaknesses. This can certainly be the most impactful assessment you can make of yourself.  It should be the primary tool to set you on a smooth sailing to success. However, you must spend the proper amount of time reflecting on this. I have found that many mentees quickly rush through this essential step (where’s the thrill?) and therefore miss out on starting their journey with full knowledge of their strengths. They don’t start their journey working within their strength zone. I mean, if you were only given two zones to choose from--strength or weakness--which would you choose? I suppose you don’t even need a mentor advising you on that one. If you do, I'm a little concerned about you, but glad to be of service! Strengths is the obvious choice, so why do so many young professionals remain unaware of their intangibles and--by default-- try to work within their weaknesses or the strengths of their peers? Working from your strengths is the ONLY way to reach your maximum potential. If you aren’t working within this zone, you will be continually frustrated, burned out, and will eventually lose motivation for growth altogether. If you are currently burned out, now you know why. Please don’t accept this fate that is embraced by so many of your peers.  Be different: work within your strengths!

I’m not a huge fan of the Avengers (sorry, there is just too much going on I can’t keep up!), but I love the team they have assembled to achieve their common objective--overcoming evil. Each member has their own strengths--and weaknesses--which are beautifly utilized to continually complement one another. If Hulk gets too angry, Black Widow calms him down. Where would Iron Man be without Pepper Potts keeping his ego on the ground while he is soaring in the sky? It’s the perfect balance of strengths and weaknesses in order to achieve a winning effort. Each member knows his/her strengths, yet each member knows his/her weaknesses. And even more powerful, they know each other's strengths and weaknesses. This complete understanding creates a powerful and forceful team….and about 15 (very long) movies (and counting) to boot. Just like the Avengers, you need to understand your strengths and weaknesses so you can work effectively with your team--and win!  

I know there are a plethora of strengths assessments to choose from, if you are so inclined. I’m definitely a fan of these types of tests and I encourage you to participate in them. However, I don’t believe these tests are the only way to truly identify and understand your strengths…..or weaknesses. 

In my opinion, if you can spend the proper amount of time reflecting on the following questions you will be well on your way to identify your strengths and weaknesses:

1. Activities: what do you do well? What activities can you easily self-motivate yourself to complete? You know, those moments when you lose track of time and miss your next meeting ? Be specific as possible. Perhaps it is writing a memo (or blog), performing a presentation, researching an issue, or communicating with a customer?
2. Praise: what do others praise about you? Do they like your smile? Your humor? Perhaps your kindness and encouragement? Maybe be quiet and listen for it, or if you are really bold, ask about it. Feedback can be positive and encouraging. 
3. Competitive Advantage: what is unique about you compared to your peer group. Don’t be confused: i’m not asking you to assess your potential based on a comparison to others. I’m only suggesting that you use this as a tool to identify what is different--or unique--about you. 
4. Accomplishments: what is the consistent theme of your most significant accomplishments? Think about your nine most significant accomplishments going back to your high school years (yes, those years can still have meaning). Write them down. Is there anything that jumps out at you that touches on all of them, or even several of them. You may have just found a strength. 

Those are just four suggestions to identify your strengths. Hopefully you found some value with that.

I also think it is important to be aware of your weaknesses: it is possible you might have to work on some of them to achieve your fullest potential (or recruit an appropriate Avenger). The easiest way to identify your weaknesses, in my opinion, is to think of the converse of the questions. Which activities don’t you do well? What seems to take “all day”? When you reflect on your setbacks, is there anything that jumps out at you? What have others said negatively about you in the past? Disregard the comments that were said out of anger, but listen to the comments intended for constructive feedback. Perhaps a performance review in the past? I remember some constructive feedback that has still stuck with me and helped me stay focused. In fact, those comments may be the most valuable kind of feedback, even though they can be difficult to hear. 

Don’t just brush by this too quickly without understanding the necessity of working within your strengths. Perhaps you might even go back to that friend you found to help you with the previous post? Finding--and working within--your strengths is an excellent way to distinguish yourself from your peer group and remain energized and motivated for future endeavors, especially if Doctor Doom (ok, I had to research actual Avenger enemies, but per Wikipedia, he is on the list) decides to drop by!

by Adam

Reading Kevin’s post made me smile in a very particular way.  Do you have any memories of childhood, where you did something really stupid but also kind of funny?  Or, maybe you have kids around you in your personal life.  Do you ever smile at something really cute that they do, that is also patently absurd, but they do it because they just don’t know any better?

That’s the feeling I had reading the post.  It’s so true, and it seems so obvious, but I failed to understand those points as I lived in complete contradiction to those teachings.  Part of me wishes Kevin had typed that all up and emailed (or mailed!) it to a much younger me, helping me avoid some of the pitfalls that have littered my lived experience.  But, again...I’m pretty stubborn.  It’s probably best that I aimlessly careened down the freeway of life for a while.  It helps me see the value in the more orderly approach I’m taking now.

Yet, I’m going to ignore Kevin’s advice here, and start with a weakness.  I actually don’t think this is me reverting to my careening-down-the-freeway mentality.  Instead, I think it’s a sneaky fifth method to identify my strengths.  Hopefully you (and Kevin) are comfortable coming along for the ride. If not, Kevin, I really appreciated the chance to write on the blog and look forward to (maybe?) guest posting again in several years!

So, let’s get on with it!

I am terrible--I repeat, TERRIBLE--at remembering things.  Birthdays, addresses, dollar amounts, or any other “facts.”  As a corollary, I can’t learn squat through rote memorization.  The only way I can reliably retain information, is if I learn from a conceptual angle, or understand the context around the facts.  It even makes me cringe a little bit to say it: I’m the “numbers” guy who really, really needs a good story.  

In my first job (as an auditor for a public accounting firm), I remember being frustrated to borderline insanity by all the acronyms, report names, and seemingly arbitrary numbers that were thrown around.  The individual pieces of how to do the work were explained to me dozens of times.  I couldn’t remember any of it to save my life.  By my estimation, everyone else felt the steep learning curve, but no one else seemed to be experiencing this same massive level of frustration with the details as me.  So, there I was: the insufferable new hire, that couldn’t do a darn thing unless I knew why.  It wasn’t insubordination or laziness, it is a weakness in how I learned.

...or...as i slowly came to realize...maybe also a strength?  I started doing something that, at first, I thought was a coping mechanism.  Whenever I worked on a project, I would write down why I thought I was doing what I was doing, and why my findings were important.  But not just one level of why, like “why is it important to identify invoices that don’t match the detailed listing.”  I’m talking multiple rounds of why.  Maybe even ridiculous levels of why.  Asking “why” so many times that the answer to the last “why” ended in a totally different universe from the work I was actually doing.  

“...I mean, if you think about it, the invoice needs to match the detailed listing so we know the account balance is accurate.  And we need to know that so we can conclude their financial statements are right.  And we need to do that so investors have confidence in capital markets.  And they need to have confidence in capital markets so that productive people in our economy can raise funds for projects that improve people’s lives.  And we need to improve people's lives because…”

That’s right, I just drew a line from audit evidence to the welfare of humanity. That’s a bit exaggerated compared to what I actually did, but not totally exaggerated.

Now, that probably annoyed you a little bit, and I’m sure it initially annoyed my supervisors.  But, over time, I noticed something pretty magical.  Since I was the only one doing this, I started to become fairly capable in situations where our audit work forged a bit beyond the boundaries where it had gone before.  Because I (at a very premature phase in my career) had attacked the details through the lens of the conceptual, I was capable of adapting to new situations where only the concepts (not the specific facts) could translate.  Out of my uniqueness...I built a bona fide strength!

Or, take another example.  At the risk of sounding like a third grader, I’ll just say it: I learn best with pictures.  Further, I actually formulate my own thoughts more clearly when I put together visual representations of those thoughts.  Sure, this is often a handicap in a numbers-heavy world.  But, it also gives me a tool to be highly capable in explaining numbers-heavy concepts to definitely-not-numbers-people (a pretty useful talent for whenever the numbers-people’s world clashes with the...uh...real world!).

So, for me, the development of my own self-confidence involved reframing my “uniqueness” as a strength. It was not always fun, and not always easy.  Sometimes it required vastly more work to overcome my handicaps.  But, it resulted in strengths that help me do my job in a unique, and valuable, way.  

Now, I could have found those same strengths through another lens.  I could have recognized my gravitation toward story-telling by remembering that my friends tended to deputize me as the storyteller.  I could have remembered my accomplishments in high school, which sometimes involved producing funny videos to promote school activities.  I could have reflected on the activities I gravitated toward (and often got carried away with), which usually involve building things from scratch (often visual representations).  In fact, my eventual epiphany on this category of strengths was recognizing my competitive advantage, after stumbling into it by accident.  As an auditor, I couldn’t go toe-to-toe with anyone on the minutiae of existing processes, but I could clearly imagine how an existing framework could be applied to a new set of facts.

Recognizing that latent strength laid the foundation for many positive things that followed.  

by Kevin

I really appreciate how Adam walked us through his (well-written) journey to discover his self-confidence. Hopefully everyone reading this blog will have the same discovery and the resulting deeper level of awareness.  

Self awareness is such a critical cornerstone of your journey, we are going to have a few separate posts on this topic. The purpose of this particular post is to help you realize a deeper assessment of your awareness in a few key areas that--I believe--will most impact your success.

I genuinely hate to do this, but I’m about to say something to you that I really wish I didn’t have to say. I am afraid it will come across as completely counter to my rather optimistic personality, as well as my entire mentor's message of encouragement and inspiration. It might even cause you to question your confidence that we just built up (but I hope it doesn’t--you really do have gifts!). So, I might as well get it over with and tell you right now: you are lousy at assessing yourself.  There, I said it. I hope that didn’t hurt too bad. Can I use that line, “I’m sure it hurt me more than it hurt you” (my kids don’t believe it when I say that so i’m guessing you didn’t either)? 

I know this mentorship is still new, but I do know this about you already: your ability to appropriately assess yourself escapes you. Hopefully you are not as oblivious as Michael Scott (pictured above) from the Office, but you may not be far away. Don’t take it personally, even the strongest, most humble, cognizant young professionals I have mentored aren’t fully aware of all of these areas we are about to assess. And let me also add, I am no different. So, at least we are all in good company! Really, the only way to get a complete and true understanding of your awareness is to--gulp--ask someone else who knows you. Someone you might even call a friend (at least you used to before you inquired). You know, the type of friend who tells you things you might not want to hear. Yes, that friend. I haven’t always performed these outside assessments in prior mentorships, but I am putting this “360 degrees” review into practice now. It can be a painful, yet powerful way to become more fully aware of yourself.

Let’s go ahead and cover these areas. A good book on self awareness is called the “Life Giving Leader” by Tyler Reagin, so if you want more information about some of these areas I encourage you to read that book. I also added some of my own areas and provided additional thoughts. So, here we go:

1. Emotional: how do you respond or react in sensitive situations? Are you easily angered when results aren’t going your way? How did that traffic jam sit with you? Do people feel compelled to walk on eggshells around you? Or maybe you wear your feelings on your sleeve? Guess what, you might be difficult to deal with.
2. Historical: do you understand how your past impacts your present? Does the phrase, “don’t go historical on me” come up a lot in conversations with you? Do you make decisions today based on how your parents made decisions when you were in their household? How about the way you feel about money, religion, or trust? I have a feeling your past is playing a part in your present, whether you know it or not. 
3. Relational: how well do you interact and connect with others? Do they get a good feeling when you enter the room? Or are you that person that brightens a room just by leaving it? Do you even know? Trust me, the rest of us do. 
4. Confrontation: what is your confrontation style? When you face a conflict do you get quiet when you should lean in? Or maybe vice versa? Is your style compatible with your significant other? How about conflict in the workplace? I think I made some of you nervous by just mentioning that. 
5. Posture: what is your body language saying that your words are not? Do you know what message you are sending even when you are not actually saying it? The person observing you certainly does.
6. Tone: do you realize how you are saying those words that are so full of wisdom (so you think)? You may be exactly right in words, but your tone is taking its toll on the talking. 
7. Motivation: what drives you? Do you know what gets you moving? Money, power, encouragement, belonging? Hopefully there is something out there that excites you, otherwise you may be very dull to be around--or very demanding. 
8. Arrogance/Pride: how do you truly see your level of importance? This is probably the most difficult to assess. Believe me, if you are arrogant, you have no clue. I have met too many clueless egotists to know better. There is a difference between confidence and pride. A very big one. 

There you go: eight areas of awareness you should be continually assessing. Or--better yet--a trusted friend should be assessing on your behalf. Go ahead, sit back, relax, and let that friend assess away. You can take it. You still have the confidence, right?

by Adam

Well, successfully or unsuccessfully, I’m going to take a run at this whole “self-assessment” thing on those 8 dimensions.  Not all my assessments are positive, but they also aren’t defeatist.  I think there is a fine-line between acknowledging  shortcomings and wallowing in self-pity.  From my point of view: most weaknesses can also manifest as strengths with the right context and right level of self-awareness.  The unfortunate flip side: any strength in excess can also be a weakness.  I’ll take Kevin’s word for it: this may very well be a doomed mission in terms of accuracy.  But...gotta start somewhere!  By going through this self-assessment, I’ll at least have a starting point for objective feedback.

1. Emotional - I’d like to think one great strength would be my calmness and patience 99% of the time. I also like to think I’m good at disarming tense situations, and good at respecting the emotional space of others.  I prioritize the feelings of other people (or at least I think I do), sometimes to the detriment of my own short-term goals (definitely the case).  I chalk that up to living a life consistent with my values, but sometimes it’s also probably a cop-out to avoid healthy confrontation.  But..when I feel “wronged”...oh boy….a much less refined side comes out.  I can get very heated.  My face becomes mostly expressionless.  I get a sort of “tunnel vision” as I ruminate on how frustrated I am.  And then, in a seemingly-calm but exacting voice, I will say things I regret.  Instead of defaulting to the most charitable interpretation of others, I begin assuming only the worst intentions.  It’s almost always a very destructive thought-pattern, but identifying it as such helps me self-regulate (sometimes!), deescalate, and save my words for a time when I’m thinking more clearly.  Despite the rocky ending there, I still think I’d give myself an 8/10 on this one.
2.  Historical - I’m pretty good at rationalizing things.  I think this can help make me more persuasive, but sometimes I inadvertently turn this back on myself.  I’ll talk myself into something because I want to believe it, not because the evidence lines up that way.  My view of my own history is undoubtedly impacted by this quirk in my perception.  But, more-and-more, I’m trying to think through areas in my life where the opinions, skills, and capabilities I bring to bear are a direct outgrowth of one or many past experiences.  I’ve noticed though that, some of the most profound lines between my past and present have been drawn not by me, but others around me.  Once the lines are drawn, I see them clearly.  But, drawing them is not my strength! I’m giving myself a 3/10.
3.  Relational - I like to think I’m good on this one.  At the very least, I care a lot about what other people think.  It’s not so much that I want people to have an unambiguously positive view of me (I don’t love being the bad guy, but I’m more than happy being seen as a little off my rocker).  More than anything, I want to know that the role I play in someone’s day is going to be, at the minimum, emotionally neutral (and, hopefully, emotionally positive!).  Whether my desire to do that translates into that actually happening is a question for the people I interact with.  But, to the best of my knowledge, my motives usually translate to consistent outcomes.  Can I rate myself on intentions??  If so, 10/10!  In reality, execution is messier, so 7/10 is probably more reasonable.
4. Confrontation - I’m going to exclude the cases where “confrontation” coincides with the less favorable “Emotional” outcomes from above because...well...I already deducted points on that one!  In truth, most confrontation for me does not take the form of a heated argument.  I am totally comfortable confronting others from the basis of facts, or my perception of things, while granting them the charitable assumption that they were unaware of the facts or my perception.  I go into the confrontation assuming the best of the other person, and treat it like a fact finding mission.  I’ll go with 7/10.  
5. Posture - Of all eight dimensions, this is the most challenging for me to self-assess.  That probably means my posture and body language is an uncontrolled mess, but I’ll try to offer the few things I can recall about it.  I try hard to find opportunities to laugh, starting many conversations with a self-deprecating joke, followed by a genuine belly-laugh.  I am far from perfect, so why would I pretend I am?  It sets a totally phony and unreasonable bar for everyone else.  On the down side, I know I sometimes express nervous energy in ways that are probably seen as disengagement: twiddling my thumbs, messing with a pen, etc.  4/10 for this one.
6. Tone - At the start of my career, I tended to have a pessimistic tone, because it seemed like what a lot of “smart” people were doing.  It.  Was. Exhausting.  I soon realized that pointing out problems was like shooting fish in a barrel--not a particularly impressive undertaking.  Even worse, employment generally hinges on fixing those problems, not wallowing in victimhood and self-pity.  Eeyore may be an endearing character in Winnie the Pooh, but he gets very little screen time.  People want to see the protagonist!  So, now I let my (sometimes?) obnoxious energy and enthusiasm shine through in my voice and actions.  Some people probably role their eyes (on the outside or the inside), but I’m OK with that.  I’d rather be Tigger than Eeyore.  I’m bullish on my optimism (as you might expect), so I’ll go with…9/10!
7. Motivation - I’m not going to do this topic justice in my answer, because it’s such a broad topic, but I’ll go for an abbreviated version.  Mostly, I’m driven by the opportunity to solve problems and be creative.  I am not a lay on the beach kind of person.  I want to build something!  See progress.  At the same time, I have an expectation of inner-peace and serenity in my life, which is often at odds with the first point.  The tension between these two is the primary tension in my life (and career).  I’m also motivated by money, but mostly to the extent that it is a tool for greater flexibility and risk-taking ability.  As for power: I care about it to the extent it allows me to be effective in reaching my goals.  It’s a means to an end, not and end itself, and it comes with a lot of ethical responsibilities.  I think I do a decent job lining up my goals and activities with my motivations, but it is not always perfect.  7/10.
8. Arrogance/Pride - I don’t think I’m arrogant in the traditional sense.  I have no sense of being better than other people.  I believe strongly in every person having a different definition of success.  Starting from that truth, it would be downright stupid of me to try to judge someone else’s success, or make any comparisons to myself.  That being said, I do have a lot of confidence in some specific talents.  That doesn’t lead me to dismiss the worth of other people, or build myself up in comparison.  But it does cause me to overlook valuable input from others, especially when there are multiple answers to a question.  I have to spend a lot of energy self-monitoring, and making sure I don’t fall into the trap of believing my perspective is the “true” or “correct” perspective in any domain, especially the ones where I consider myself to be more knowledgeable.  My faults on this one probably lead me to some of the more embarrassing outcomes in my professional and personal life.  So, 3/10.

Eight responses already?  Wow!  It felt like a slog at first, but once you get in the groove on this whole self-reflection thing, it starts to feel like a downhill race.  As Kevin alluded to, there is a non-zero chance that large portions of my introspection are just a self-indulgent fantasy...who am I to judge?  While I tried to be objective in my self-reflection, it could definitely use a reality check from someone who knows me well!  But, now, you have at least one example of how an aspiring mentee might go about answering those foundational questions that Kevin asked.

by Kevin

I am hopeful that all young professionals can relate to Adam’s initial experience and realization that we are on a journey (go ahead, drink the water). Yet, perhaps you should also realize, as the mentor (at least in this relationship), I am really no different. Do I think I am close to my endpoint? Hope not, I feel like I’m just getting started! Am I setting new goals? Absolutely, there is so much more to learn and achieve. How about new paths? This blog certainly feels like a new path to me (how is it so far? Wait, actually, hold that thought, we are still new at this). Isn’t it better knowing that we can be on this journey together--Mentee and Mentor?  We can both be growing and learning at the same time? That seems comforting, exciting and well worth our time. Adam, you are so right: this journey is definitely a call to action, for both of us, so let’s get moving!

If you don’t mind, I would like to ask you a question (and, by the way, get used to the incessant inquiries). How well do you know yourself? The real you? Not the one you think you are selling but nobody is buying.  I’m asking about the most authentic and transparent version of yourself? You will figure this out soon, but I love quotes. So, here is a quote from John Maxwell to get us started with the importance of awareness: “You have to know yourself to grow yourself”. So, that is exactly where we will start, knowing yourself--the real self. 

As I begin a relationship with a mentee and we start this self awareness evaluation, I have learned it is important to first assess self-confidence, even before we delve deeper into the areas of awareness or strengths and weaknesses (which we will cover in separate posts). I truly believe a healthy self-confidence is the essential first step up the stairs to success. Why? Without the required self-confidence there is no courage--or belief--in your personal growth. There is no imagination to think beyond the current reality, no resolution for risk taking, and no exploration of new opportunities. Sadly, there is no excitement--or willingness--to take any action. 

We know it is important, but what is confidence? I describe confidence as your belief in your own abilities--or power--and how you think others perceive those abilities. Do you believe in yourself? I know I believe you are certainly capable of achievement, but it assuredly takes..."just the two of us” (go ahead, sing along) before this mentorship can be meaningful. How can you set aspirational goals if you don’t trust you have the ability to accomplish them? It takes confidence: a belief in your own abilities. I’m not talking about a type of confidence that declares “I’m the greatest” (if that describes you, we can will work on that too), but rather, a reassuring belief that you have within you the seeds of growth, the ability to achieve, the mindset that knows you are capable of obtaining your heart’s desires. So, are you confident? Taking action requires strength and power, but that becomes pretty difficult when you can only see yourself as weak and pitiful. 

Through my years of mentoring, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised to discover that so many young professionals lack an appropriate amount of self confidence. Honestly, when I first began my own journey I will admit that I also lacked convincing conviction. It seemed to stem from my observation (and maybe even jealousy, since i’m being so honest) of all of the amazing abilities of those around me. I wondered why my limited talents didn’t seem as noteworthy? Why were there so many people who were smarter, funnier, more attractive, more likable and overall just better than me? Why did everyone else have things “figured out” (spoiler alert: they didn’t)?  I could clearly see how others could be successful, but in comparison, I didn’t see how I could beat--or even match--that success. 

However, as I heard from the founder of BancFirst, H.E. Rainbolt, “don’t compare yourself to others, compare yourself to potential.” Only compare yourself to potential? Isn’t that a relief?! If you only focus on the gifts of others, you will continually overlook your own, and, let me tell you, you have so many gifts to give! I believe your confidence will build as you realize, and utilize, your own unique abilities (strengths) and continue to grow in competency, learning and understanding of your environment. That’s it! The longer you can remain in your strength zone (more on that later), pursue your individual goals, and commit to being a continual learner, the more confident you will become. You may make a few mistakes along the way, but that’s okay because you have....confidence! This momentum building confidence then leads to results and significance. Confidence starts small and then grows. The goal is not to obtain other people’s strengths (comparison), but to know and utilize your own strengths (potential). I love what John Wooden once said in regards to comparison, “If we do everything we are supposed to do, it doesn’t matter what the other team is doing, we will win”. 

This realization early on in my career was the foundation of my budding confidence which has allowed me to set goals beyond my known capabilities. Yes, I have gifts, and no, they won’t look exactly like Adam’s or your gifts. Therefore, our success won’t look exactly alike, but we can all be confident in ourselves!

Here is a quick story from my own experience to emphasize the message. When I was first promoted to manager, I was having difficulty feeling competent in the required technical skills of auditing as I was trying to lead my team while properly responding to partner review notes. This constant inability was certainly impacting my confidence--negatively. At that time, the accounting firm I worked for published our entire audit methodology in a paperback book. I can’t remember accurately, but it seems like that thing was at least 600 pages long. However, because I felt additional learning was necessary, I read the entire book--twice (no, it wasn’t that interesting--it took me a year)! After taking that time to expand my understanding of the technicalities of my trade, my confidence returned. Additional learning resulted in additional confidence. Amazing! By the way, I still have that book on my shelf as a reminder of my commitment to learning (maybe I should open it up to verify the number of pages--nah). 

How confident are you feeling?

by Adam

I’m conflicted on my own self-assessment of my self-confidence (maybe due to lack of self-awareness?).  Wow, that’s already a lot of “self” talk in the first sentence!

On the one hand, I’ve always had a decent amount of conviction in my own thoughts and ideas.  I’m the kind of person that bubbles up with energy on the inside when I think I know the answer, or think I can contribute to finding it.  Of course, that’s always tempered by the natural, self-censoring self-talk: “Does anyone in this meeting really care to hear my opinion?”  Hopefully I’ve always landed well shy of the “I’m the greatest” bar that Kevin set for problematic levels of confidence.  But, for one reason or another, I managed to barrel past those concerns raised by my shy, inside voice, and share my opinions when I had them.

For me, the manifestation of low confidence wasn’t centered around a doubt in my own skills or abilities.  It was centered around a doubt in the career path I chose, the decisions I had made on that path, and whether both were congruent with my skills and abilities (and personal aspirations).  I was confident I had some talent, just maybe not the right talent.  My style of doing things, right down to something as basic as my personality, seemed so different from most people in my field (let alone most successful people in my field).  

Now, I’ll stop well short of claiming my experience is anything near universal.  I’ve often marveled at peers and friends I’ve met with what seem to be the opposite configuration: total conviction on the correctness of their chosen career path, but insecurity around their aptitude in general.

Hopefully you’re not rolling your eyes yet, because I’m about to transition from reflecting on the problem to the beginning of the happy ending (at least, to the extent I’ve lived the happy ending so far!).  Don’t worry: my posts won’t always be all rainbows and butterflies.  There are plenty of serious personal and professional challenges I struggle with to this day.  But, luckily for me (and for this post), I’ve already laid to rest my deepest concerns around this particular question: do I have the talent and drive to be successful in my chosen career path?  I wouldn’t have been able to say "yes" during the earliest years of my career, but I’m now confident that I do.

That’s not to say I don’t waver from time to time.  Sure, there are days where I really whiff on an important project, discharge my duties in a less-than-graceful manner, or just really come up short, disappointing people that I respect and that rely on my work.  But, for the most part, I’ve found ways to map my unique talents to the boilerplate unique requirements of my job.  

It took me a few years, but I realized that my perspective on what my job required was all wrong.  At first, I was convinced there was one way to be successful.  I approached job requirements as a set of time-tested, non-negotiable items (which hearkens back to my misinformed idea on the existence of a one-size-fits-all formula for success).  But, the world is more nuanced than that.  And, there is more than one way to do a great job.

Maybe this is painfully obvious to you, and you’ll soon skip to Kevin’s next post (go ahead, I won’t blame you).  For me, this point wasn’t obvious at all!  I had spent so much time and effort trying to emulate other successful people around me, that I was stifling my own uniqueness (and talent), and redoubling my self-doubt when I inevitably came up short. 

I realize that I’ve been sufficiently vague so far as for this post to be borderline useless, and I apologize for that.  If you just hang with me thought through a couple more posts, I think you’ll find a more satisfactory answer!  The truth is, all these concepts around self-awareness are inextricably linked.  The detailed antidote to my self confidence issues laid in recognizing, and appropriately applying, my own talents.  So, stay tuned!  And, I promise to transform my vaguely optimistic ramblings on uniqueness into a more detailed (and hopefully more instructive!) account of my journey.

By Kevin

Well, if you are reading this post, it means you haven’t given up on the idea of our mentorship--at least not yet. Hopefully this is the beginning of something special, because we have so much to talk about!

Adam, thanks so much for the introduction and background. As you undoubtedly noticed, Adam is not only witty, intelligent and humble, but he is also exactly right! I agree; Obi-Wan represents a powerful measure of a mentor. Yet, perhaps, in comparison, I am a little limited in my ability to access the mentoring force (sorry, Obi-Wan).  Let me explain. In my experience, I have been unable to independently create the mission, values and goals on the behalf of each mentee. In fact, one of my early frustrations with the mentoring process was that I failed to form those deep discoveries for each mentee upon our inaugural encounter. 

During our initial introduction, as we were getting to know one another, I would describe the concept of mentoring in more detail. As the conversation evolved, I could sense the disappointment disseminating from the other side when the mentee realized he/she wouldn’t be walking away from this ‘meeting of the minds’ with a “Dora the Explorer”-esque map, allowing them to discover their deepest desires and the hidden treasures of the abundant life. Oh, how wonderful would it be for the two of us to meet at the local coffee shop, enjoy a couple lattes, talk about life, share some laughs, and then thirty minutes later we would magically march away with your life purpose, long term goals, and actionable steps to achieve all of it?  Hmm, perhaps that reflects the power of a mentoring force that eludes me? 

Unfortunately for the both of us, I have not yet had that experience--or power--although I'm not against additional mentoring training to obtain it. However, even the ultra wise Gandalf the Grey didn’t fully comprehend the final outcome for Bilbo upon their first meeting.  What Gandalf did know was that Bilbo was created for a purpose and designed for accomplishment. He knew he was destined to live an adventure. Thankfully, Gandalf didn’t cease after the first council. 

Guess what? That’s exactly what I know about you (and we didn’t even have to meet--yet)! Yes, you were created for a purpose and designed for accomplishment. You are destined to live an adventure! But, it will take more than one meeting (or blog post, as this case may be) to discover it. So, that’s where this communication will commence. As Max Lucado once said, “The purpose of life is not to live long, it is to live”. So, let’s live!

Honestly, if I had the ability to tell you your strengths and weaknesses, mission statement, goals, and everything else related to your adventure in thirty minutes, it would truly be an immense letdown for the both of us. Why is that? Well, what I have learned about mentorship over the past several years is that a component of the mentoring meetings, and maybe even the most compelling component, is actually taking the time to....discover the journey! I really wouldn’t want to skip the initial steps of self-reflection before you begin the later steps of self-realization.  

Trust me, there is real joy in those early steps of assessing your self awareness, understanding your mission, and then, and only then, creating actionable goals through a continuing conversation and kindling kinship with a trusted adviser. That is when the growth can begin, and growth is positively powerful!  If we skip the first step you won’t appreciate, or even understand, the next steps. It’s the journey--the adventure--that that I am wanting you to discover for yourself. As you now fully know, your journey hasn’t been revealed to me, and I am assuming it hasn’t been revealed to you either, at least not in its fullest formation. That is exactly why I am here to begin this relationship with you and take the pioneering step of your expedition. 

My primary purpose--or mission--in this relationship is to encourage you to reach your maximum potential. So, in other words, I want you to be successful! I am quite confident in saying I can place my piece of the puzzle because, as John Maxwell defined it, “success is the progressive realization of a worthwhile goal”. Please go back and read that sentence again: it is that important for the foundation of our future engagements. 

How can I so boldly know you will be successful? I am certain because you will create your own worthwhile goals and BEGIN the journey! Each person's success will be unique. My success is going to look different than Adam’s, and Adam’s success is going to look different from yours, but we can all declare ourselves successful as long as we have clearly defined worthwhile goals that are responsive to our individual strengths and desires....while making progress.

But there is so much more to this journey than goals.  I would like to remind you, as Adam stated, my part is to only assist, your part is to create. I would like to polish this post with the following quote from Zig Ziglar, because I think it does an absolutely amazing job of capturing the magic of mentoring: “A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could”. In your life, let me be that “someone else”. So, how does that definition of success and this upcoming journey sit with you?

By Adam

It sits, and it sits well!  I identify strongly with Kevin’s statement that “Each person’s success will be different.”  In the early moments of my professional life, I struggled mightily with that idea.

While I think I knew what the concept meant, I had no earthly idea on how to apply it.

Up until the moment I graduated college, I always had plenty of structure to lay the foundation for my ambitions.  Growing up and attending college was a foregone conclusion.  Sure, there were a few hundred different degree paths I could take, and different hobbies I could develop along the way.  But, there was a clear and consistent framework for defining and achieving academic success.  Once I picked a degree, there was a concrete list of courses included in the curriculum.  I could look at the syllabus for each course, and chart a path toward making a good grade.  And, as long as I didn’t come off sounding like a prospective axe murderer in a job interview, those grades could reliably land me a “good” job upon graduation.

Then came the professional world:  before me laid a near infinite number of potential career paths.  No tailored curriculum, no syllabus, no universal metric by which I could objectively judge my success (or failure).  No guidance counselor. And, for the record, no free access to a rock climbing wall.

I spent my first few years looking for those things (except the rock climbing wall).  And, going into my first meeting with Kevin, I still held out hope that was what he would offer.  I”ll take one Dora-the-Explorer career map, please!  (with a side of extra clarity, and hold the Dora).

Needless to say, I was mistaken.  But, more importantly, I was not disappointed.  Strangely, I felt a sense of relief that there wasn’t a formula for success that I alone was missing.  Hearing Kevin acknowledge the uncertainty inherent in any career (or life!) made me feel a lot better about my own lack of direction.  Like a child who yearns for adulthood so they can eat unlimited ice cream and play unlimited video games, I was happy to not get what I wished for.

That’s not to say Kevin didn’t, or couldn’t, give practical advice.  He did.  And, I mean, let’s be honest: if that’s all he had done--if I spent a year flying co-pilot while Kevin made all my important life decisions for me--it probably would have gotten me to a decent outcome. But, how does that saying go?  If you give a man a fish, you can feed him for a day... 

...but if he’s too stubborn to accept fishing lessons, he’ll be deeply disappointed when the fish stop coming.  I probably fall into that category of being stubborn enough to reject the fishing lesson.  Why take fishing lessons?  Why not grow some corn instead?  Truth is: Kevin’s hands-off approach happened to mesh incredibly well with my stubborn and contrarian instincts.

No matter how sound the advice, or how wise the speaker, it always has more staying power for me when I reach a conclusion on my own.. Said differently, and in keeping with my botched animal aphorisms: You can lead a horse to water…

 ...but it might just stand at the edge of the water and stare at you.  Kevin never tried to make me drink.  Instead, he offered to ride shotgun on my road trip through life.  As a result, I am living a much more goal-oriented, self-reflective, and meaningful life.  And when I get thirsty, he is more than happy to help me find the off ramp and get some water.

Still, I don’t think it’s appropriate to say I’m any closer to an “endpoint” than when I started.  And, sure, any actuary worth his salt would strongly disagree with that statement.  But, I’m ok with that.  The natural fuzziness of my internal compass is no longer a source of anxiety.  Instead, its a call to action!  A call to focus on the journey and the process.   

With that new focus, I can take comfort in the idea that I’ll always be setting new goals and charting new paths, while the endpoint continues to be just beyond the horizon.