by Kevin
I really appreciate how Adam walked us through his (well-written) journey to discover his self-confidence. Hopefully everyone reading this blog will have the same discovery and the resulting deeper level of awareness.
Self awareness is such a critical cornerstone of your journey, we are going to have a few separate posts on this topic. The purpose of this particular post is to help you realize a deeper assessment of your awareness in a few key areas that--I believe--will most impact your success.
I genuinely hate to do this, but I’m about to say something to you that I really wish I didn’t have to say. I am afraid it will come across as completely counter to my rather optimistic personality, as well as my entire mentor's message of encouragement and inspiration. It might even cause you to question your confidence that we just built up (but I hope it doesn’t--you really do have gifts!). So, I might as well get it over with and tell you right now: you are lousy at assessing yourself. There, I said it. I hope that didn’t hurt too bad. Can I use that line, “I’m sure it hurt me more than it hurt you” (my kids don’t believe it when I say that so i’m guessing you didn’t either)?
I know this mentorship is still new, but I do know this about you already: your ability to appropriately assess yourself escapes you. Hopefully you are not as oblivious as Michael Scott (pictured above) from the Office, but you may not be far away. Don’t take it personally, even the strongest, most humble, cognizant young professionals I have mentored aren’t fully aware of all of these areas we are about to assess. And let me also add, I am no different. So, at least we are all in good company! Really, the only way to get a complete and true understanding of your awareness is to--gulp--ask someone else who knows you. Someone you might even call a friend (at least you used to before you inquired). You know, the type of friend who tells you things you might not want to hear. Yes, that friend. I haven’t always performed these outside assessments in prior mentorships, but I am putting this “360 degrees” review into practice now. It can be a painful, yet powerful way to become more fully aware of yourself.
Let’s go ahead and cover these areas. A good book on self awareness is called the “Life Giving Leader” by Tyler Reagin, so if you want more information about some of these areas I encourage you to read that book. I also added some of my own areas and provided additional thoughts. So, here we go:
- Emotional: how do you respond or react in sensitive situations? Are you easily angered when results aren’t going your way? How did that traffic jam sit with you? Do people feel compelled to walk on eggshells around you? Or maybe you wear your feelings on your sleeve? Guess what, you might be difficult to deal with.
- Historical: do you understand how your past impacts your present? Does the phrase, “don’t go historical on me” come up a lot in conversations with you? Do you make decisions today based on how your parents made decisions when you were in their household? How about the way you feel about money, religion, or trust? I have a feeling your past is playing a part in your present, whether you know it or not.
- Relational: how well do you interact and connect with others? Do they get a good feeling when you enter the room? Or are you that person that brightens a room just by leaving it? Do you even know? Trust me, the rest of us do.
- Confrontation: what is your confrontation style? When you face a conflict do you get quiet when you should lean in? Or maybe vice versa? Is your style compatible with your significant other? How about conflict in the workplace? I think I made some of you nervous by just mentioning that.
- Posture: what is your body language saying that your words are not? Do you know what message you are sending even when you are not actually saying it? The person observing you certainly does.
- Tone: do you realize how you are saying those words that are so full of wisdom (so you think)? You may be exactly right in words, but your tone is taking its toll on the talking.
- Motivation: what drives you? Do you know what gets you moving? Money, power, encouragement, belonging? Hopefully there is something out there that excites you, otherwise you may be very dull to be around--or very demanding.
- Arrogance/Pride: how do you truly see your level of importance? This is probably the most difficult to assess. Believe me, if you are arrogant, you have no clue. I have met too many clueless egotists to know better. There is a difference between confidence and pride. A very big one.
There you go: eight areas of awareness you should be continually assessing. Or--better yet--a trusted friend should be assessing on your behalf. Go ahead, sit back, relax, and let that friend assess away. You can take it. You still have the confidence, right?
by Adam
Well, successfully or unsuccessfully, I’m going to take a run at this whole “self-assessment” thing on those 8 dimensions. Not all my assessments are positive, but they also aren’t defeatist. I think there is a fine-line between acknowledging shortcomings and wallowing in self-pity. From my point of view: most weaknesses can also manifest as strengths with the right context and right level of self-awareness. The unfortunate flip side: any strength in excess can also be a weakness. I’ll take Kevin’s word for it: this may very well be a doomed mission in terms of accuracy. But...gotta start somewhere! By going through this self-assessment, I’ll at least have a starting point for objective feedback.
- Emotional - I’d like to think one great strength would be my calmness and patience 99% of the time. I also like to think I’m good at disarming tense situations, and good at respecting the emotional space of others. I prioritize the feelings of other people (or at least I think I do), sometimes to the detriment of my own short-term goals (definitely the case). I chalk that up to living a life consistent with my values, but sometimes it’s also probably a cop-out to avoid healthy confrontation. But..when I feel “wronged”...oh boy….a much less refined side comes out. I can get very heated. My face becomes mostly expressionless. I get a sort of “tunnel vision” as I ruminate on how frustrated I am. And then, in a seemingly-calm but exacting voice, I will say things I regret. Instead of defaulting to the most charitable interpretation of others, I begin assuming only the worst intentions. It’s almost always a very destructive thought-pattern, but identifying it as such helps me self-regulate (sometimes!), deescalate, and save my words for a time when I’m thinking more clearly. Despite the rocky ending there, I still think I’d give myself an 8/10 on this one.
- Historical - I’m pretty good at rationalizing things. I think this can help make me more persuasive, but sometimes I inadvertently turn this back on myself. I’ll talk myself into something because I want to believe it, not because the evidence lines up that way. My view of my own history is undoubtedly impacted by this quirk in my perception. But, more-and-more, I’m trying to think through areas in my life where the opinions, skills, and capabilities I bring to bear are a direct outgrowth of one or many past experiences. I’ve noticed though that, some of the most profound lines between my past and present have been drawn not by me, but others around me. Once the lines are drawn, I see them clearly. But, drawing them is not my strength! I’m giving myself a 3/10.
- Relational - I like to think I’m good on this one. At the very least, I care a lot about what other people think. It’s not so much that I want people to have an unambiguously positive view of me (I don’t love being the bad guy, but I’m more than happy being seen as a little off my rocker). More than anything, I want to know that the role I play in someone’s day is going to be, at the minimum, emotionally neutral (and, hopefully, emotionally positive!). Whether my desire to do that translates into that actually happening is a question for the people I interact with. But, to the best of my knowledge, my motives usually translate to consistent outcomes. Can I rate myself on intentions?? If so, 10/10! In reality, execution is messier, so 7/10 is probably more reasonable.
- Confrontation - I’m going to exclude the cases where “confrontation” coincides with the less favorable “Emotional” outcomes from above because...well...I already deducted points on that one! In truth, most confrontation for me does not take the form of a heated argument. I am totally comfortable confronting others from the basis of facts, or my perception of things, while granting them the charitable assumption that they were unaware of the facts or my perception. I go into the confrontation assuming the best of the other person, and treat it like a fact finding mission. I’ll go with 7/10.
- Posture - Of all eight dimensions, this is the most challenging for me to self-assess. That probably means my posture and body language is an uncontrolled mess, but I’ll try to offer the few things I can recall about it. I try hard to find opportunities to laugh, starting many conversations with a self-deprecating joke, followed by a genuine belly-laugh. I am far from perfect, so why would I pretend I am? It sets a totally phony and unreasonable bar for everyone else. On the down side, I know I sometimes express nervous energy in ways that are probably seen as disengagement: twiddling my thumbs, messing with a pen, etc. 4/10 for this one.
- Tone - At the start of my career, I tended to have a pessimistic tone, because it seemed like what a lot of “smart” people were doing. It. Was. Exhausting. I soon realized that pointing out problems was like shooting fish in a barrel--not a particularly impressive undertaking. Even worse, employment generally hinges on fixing those problems, not wallowing in victimhood and self-pity. Eeyore may be an endearing character in Winnie the Pooh, but he gets very little screen time. People want to see the protagonist! So, now I let my (sometimes?) obnoxious energy and enthusiasm shine through in my voice and actions. Some people probably role their eyes (on the outside or the inside), but I’m OK with that. I’d rather be Tigger than Eeyore. I’m bullish on my optimism (as you might expect), so I’ll go with…9/10!
- Motivation - I’m not going to do this topic justice in my answer, because it’s such a broad topic, but I’ll go for an abbreviated version. Mostly, I’m driven by the opportunity to solve problems and be creative. I am not a lay on the beach kind of person. I want to build something! See progress. At the same time, I have an expectation of inner-peace and serenity in my life, which is often at odds with the first point. The tension between these two is the primary tension in my life (and career). I’m also motivated by money, but mostly to the extent that it is a tool for greater flexibility and risk-taking ability. As for power: I care about it to the extent it allows me to be effective in reaching my goals. It’s a means to an end, not and end itself, and it comes with a lot of ethical responsibilities. I think I do a decent job lining up my goals and activities with my motivations, but it is not always perfect. 7/10.
- Arrogance/Pride - I don’t think I’m arrogant in the traditional sense. I have no sense of being better than other people. I believe strongly in every person having a different definition of success. Starting from that truth, it would be downright stupid of me to try to judge someone else’s success, or make any comparisons to myself. That being said, I do have a lot of confidence in some specific talents. That doesn’t lead me to dismiss the worth of other people, or build myself up in comparison. But it does cause me to overlook valuable input from others, especially when there are multiple answers to a question. I have to spend a lot of energy self-monitoring, and making sure I don’t fall into the trap of believing my perspective is the “true” or “correct” perspective in any domain, especially the ones where I consider myself to be more knowledgeable. My faults on this one probably lead me to some of the more embarrassing outcomes in my professional and personal life. So, 3/10.
Eight responses already? Wow! It felt like a slog at first, but once you get in the groove on this whole self-reflection thing, it starts to feel like a downhill race. As Kevin alluded to, there is a non-zero chance that large portions of my introspection are just a self-indulgent fantasy...who am I to judge? While I tried to be objective in my self-reflection, it could definitely use a reality check from someone who knows me well! But, now, you have at least one example of how an aspiring mentee might go about answering those foundational questions that Kevin asked.